Goodbye 2010!

I can't believe the year is coming to an end. Granted, I say that every year.. and I'll probably say it next year too, but it's true. I can't believe another year has come and gone. So much happened this past year, it's crazy to reflect back on it all. Some things seem just like they happened yesterday, and others seem like they happened more than just a couple months ago. Either way, it's still amazing to see how time flies.

New years has always been my favorite holiday. I think it's a time for new beginnings, new dreams--and new opportunities. A way to let go of things that might have kept you down the previous year, and start fresh. Even though every day is a new opportunity to change, I feel that the new year brings so much more.. it's more of a "restart" button, I guess. I love reflecting on what I went through, and how I managed to get through it all...and really realized what I discovered about myself from each moment.

This past year, I realized that I have a huge heart--I discovered I still had the ability to care and love when I thought it had all run out. I had thought I was too weary to ever be vulnerable again, but unexpectedly I was proven wrong and I had allowed myself to fall for someone who I thought would never hurt me. Through experience, the reality of "nice guys (or well, girls) finish last" hit me, and I became a stronger, more cautious individual. Sometimes, no matter how much you care about someone--no matter how much you think you won't get played or used...it happens anyway, and it's out of your control. It was out of my control, I realize that--and this is why I grew from such an ugly experience. This helped me to know who I am, what I have to offer, and what I want.. This New Years, I'm saying goodbye to those struggles I had with that particular "relationship", if that's what you want to call it. It was definitely something I never thought I'd have to deal with or go through--but, weirdly, I'm kinda glad I did---it has helped me gain SO much more insight with people who are involved in those horrible relationships. I never could quite understand how someone could stay with another who cheated or anything of the sort--but with my experience, I now think I have more insight that would help me in my career later on, if I ever come across a situation like that. I never thought someone who I had known for 10+ years, and had knowledge of other painful events in my life, would be so heartless and horrible, but I was proven wrong.. But, I pulled through the situation and I'm glad to say I'm okay. :)

I am also saying goodbye to some drama I've had to deal with in the friendship world. I have realized sometimes having people to call your friends doesn't make them your true friends. I was strong enough to pull away from my typical group of friends, and have made many many more...and these ones I truly feel are actually worth having around. They are there for me whenever I need them, and not just at a convenience. (Thank you Annie!!!) I am so glad I was able to break away, and although it really felt like I was making a very lonely decision, I realize that having just a select few true friends are much better than having ten acquanitances. I think this took huge strength, and I did it. :) It's much better knowing that my friends will go the extra mile for me, just like I have always done for them.

On a lighter note, I've made huge steps this past year. :) I registered for my last semester of my Bachelors Degree--I graduate in May! I am receiving my degree in Human Development and Family Studies, and I'm also finishing up the requirements to be a Certified Family Life Educator. And, I applied to Graduate School (which is something I never really imagined I'd do) in the department of Educational Psychology for Professional Counseling! It is a three year program--I really hope I get accepted for this coming Fall, but if I don't--I will continue to take classes and try again for the next year. I'm anxious to find out if I get in, I'll know by the end of next month.

This past year, I was able to do something I've always wanted--I went on my first actual road trip. In August, I drove to Florida with a friend who moved there for a year with the Disney world College Program...and I made lifelong memories with experiences I truly will never forget. Honestly, I encountered some of the most amazing, life changing moments on this trip---I realized how truly independent I am, and how sheltered Utah really can be. Whether it was the crazy drivers on the confusing highways, the mountain-less scenery, the sketchy parts of Memphis, or the Omish road signs---it opened my eyes SO much. I am so lucky to have been able to go and experience this, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I truly discovered my love for not only traveling, but for road trips... it brings a whole new light to my dreams of exploring.

This year, I have came closer to figuring out just who I am and what I stand for. I'm not just going along with my life, I'm creating it by choosing the way I react to the inevitable life experiences which come my way. I'm more cautious, headstrong, confident, and independent. Granted, not everyone has to tread through the same waters--but I'm taking my stream and I'm floatin barefoot. ;)

Anyways--Happy New Year..and yay for new beginnings! :D

Nicole, You cut your hair!

I honestly can't tell you how many times I've heard that since I made the big hair cut chop back in July. It makes me sad, I cut it to try to "fix" a problem area that has been from a prior hair cut, and it didn't seem to fix it at all. Now it only makes me miss my long hair, and hate my "problem area" even more. It is so extremely frustrating, gahh!
I have been thinking about extensions for a little bit now, and although they are extremely expensive, I am almost willing to pay the price to get some of my self-confidence and hair back! Now, I know it isn't my hair, but it'd probably help me tremendously--only thing is...how in the heck am I going to afford it, and how long will they be able to last? I've talked to friends who have hair extensions, gotten a few consultations from some people about different methods---and I think it's just going to come down to the fact of me making another big jump and see what happens. Although, it's an expensive long jump, very costly--- but the other one was a big jump as well, I just lost all my hair in the process.
Ah pooey. I don't know what to do.
I just miss my hair! GahhhhH!!!

survived the semester..

I am finally done with the semester. I actually finished a few days ago, but I have been far to busy with packing and what not to post a blog about it all.

Wednesday I turned in my last paper due for this semester, and also my Application for the Graduate Program--it was SUCH a relief to get all of that done, I went home that night and felt out of place because I didn't have to be in front of my computer typing my fingers off trying to meet the deadlines of another paper. It was quite nice, but I still had to start packing, cleaning, and doing household chores that had been neglected for the past few weeks--so I didn't have much time to relax at all.

I'm now in Price, made my way through the canyon yesterday--and I'll be here probably until New Years Day or New Years Eve. I haven't been able to have such a "vacation", usually I have to try to cram seeing my two families in four or five days, so I'm hoping it will be nice to have a longer stretch of time to do so. It sucks that I have to work while I'm here down at the Price office (For one of my jobs--the deaf relay center), but then again it's nice I can still try to earn some money while I'm visiting.

I'm super anxious to get the letter in the mail letting me know whether or not I'm accepted into the Graduate Program. Part of me thinks I have a good chance, and part of me thinks not so much.. It'll be interesting what really happens. I'll find out by the end of January on if I'm accepted or not, so it's not that long of a wait--but it's still a wait!
Anyway, I survived the last few weeks of the semester--amazingly. If it wasn't for Annie, I honestly have no idea how I would have made it through this semester, let alone these past few months.. Thank you Annie. You have NO idea how much you helped keep me sane and motivated, if it wasn't for you I probably wouldn't have finished some of our papers--our laughs and giggles, and yummy nights of cooking really helped keep me focused and optimistic about it all-- thank you so much.

....'til next time. :)

Venting..

I am so overwhelmed I can't even stand it. I have never felt so burnt out....ever. I have been on the verge of tears on a daily basis...and some days are easier to fight it than others. I honestly just want to take a time out from life until next Wednesday. I can't take all of this stress--I have been constantly sick and I have no time to catch up to get better.. Two jobs and school is really kicking my butt.. It's so hard trying to do all of this alone. My apartment is a mess, my dishes need to be done, and so does my laundry. I have no motivation to do any of my papers I need to get done, I just want to quit and deal with the result of having a bad grade or not getting credit for the class. I am so sick of writing papers, I'm so sick of having no time to breathe--I haven't slept good in over 6 months. I think it's because of all the chaos I have in my life, my body doesn't know when or how to relax anymore.
Ugh. I just want to quit!
Sorry, had to vent. I'm honestly going nuts. I just.. ugh. no one gets it.

Thanksgiving

Well, I haven't posted for awhile and it is just because things have been so hectic with the holiday and all of that. I'll update some of the major points that have happened. :)

I went to the Jazz game with a friend from work on Monday night, it made for a long day--but it was definitely worth it. I had a really good time, I'm glad I was able to make it! While I was riding Trax from campus to the Arena, a younger couple, probably about 18 or 19 years old, sat on the seat directly in front of me, sharing my leg room. They looked homeless, and the boy kept pulling out white hand warmers and putting them up to his cheeks and neck. They didn't smell too clean--who knows when they showered last--and they were talking about where they were both going to stay for the next few days. The girl said she had somewhere in Taylorsville to go if he was sick of her, and he said he just didn't really know where to go and he did need a break from it all for awhile. I'm not sure what else was said, I didn't want to be too obvious in trying to listen in to their conversation, but it really made me...sad. It made me wonder what had happened to make these two young adults end up in the place they were at. I don't know if they were homeless, or just runaways, or what the story was--but it just made me think, I guess. I'm really glad I have an apartment I can come "home" to.

I was planning on going to Price for the holiday on Wednesday after class, but on Tuesday my work (the Pingree Center) shut down half day because of the blizzard warning, and my class that night was also canceled. I decided to drive down on Tuesday, and I beat the "storm". It wasn't as bad as I thought, but it is always better to be safe than sorry.

I had a good holiday for the most part. My older step sister and I didn't really talk, she seems to have some sort of issue against me-- I'm not sure what it is, but it's gotten worse over the years. I used to really want us to get along, but I'm to the point where I don't even care anymore-- She and I are just two very different people, and I wouldn't really choose anyone of her kind to be friends with anyway--it's a long story. Other than that, I had a great time. On Thanksgiving I hung out with my little sister, and my niece..we played on the wii. We had dinner, and then shortly after had some pie. This was the FIRST year in...umm..well... atleast 10 years that I didn't jump between families and houses to celebrate and share Thanksgiving with each of them--my Step Mom was working, and my Dad was with his girlfriends family in a smaller town about 35 minutes away from Price..

That evening I went to visit my Step Mom, or well, my Ex-Step Mom, who is still my Step Mom in my opinion, at her work. She works at a nursing home, and while I was there she introduced me to all of her favorite patients. I had a really good time visiting with all of the elderly, some were easier to understand and visit with than others, but it was a really big eye opener for me as well. One old man in a wheel chair told me how beautiful I was, reached for my hand, and pulled me closer to him so he could kiss me on the cheek. He told me he was going to steal me and put me in a cage. It was really cute. Other old ladies were complimenting me on my achievements that my step mom bragged about on my behalf, and it was really comforting and warmed me all up inside. The one old man who kissed me on the cheek asked what I was going into for school, and when I said counseling he said he already had four of those things, but he'd choose me over them any day. It made me laugh. And very hopeful for when I do become a counselor, I can't wait to help individuals in need and make my small imprint in the world..help make a difference. I went home in a different mood. When I had left my Mom's house, I was frustrated about the tension I felt with my older sister, and I couldn't believe the energy that was put in to ignore any topic about or towards me. I can't imagine how draining it would be to try to subtly make comments directed to someone without making it completely obvious you were trying to put them down.. it's amazing to me. Anyway, I left in a blah mood--and just finding the happiness within this nursing home and the conversations and visit I had with my Step Mom, it just, made me realize quite a bit. I'm so happy I'm who I am, and I can be just as successful no matter who acknowledges it. My life experiences have helped sketch the person I have became, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love being independent and humble, it's such an amazing feeling to have--being proud of yourself is something I'd never, ever change.

This Thanksgiving was very different compared to ones I had years before.. as I said, it was the first one in many many years I didn't jump between family dinners.. I was able to sit and relax, and not worry about getting to antoher dinner in time or missing an important tradition. It's amazing how families can change so quickly, isn't it? One moment you can think nothing could be better--and the next you're scrambling trying to find common ground, a secure and stable factor to try to keep the family you hold so close, even closer. All of the chaos I've experienced with my families, though, I have to say I'm grateful for. I wouldn't wish any of it on anyone else, but I'm glad I can relate and have had some amazing lessons and life long learning experiences with them all. This year, I can say I'm thankful for my family--which has been hard for me to say in previous years. I've always been resentful and frustrated with the family struggles I was placed in, and I never understood or could figure out why I couldn't even have one stable family to be by my side through the years. What I've realized now is that although one family hasn't been able to be consistent through my life, I'm thankful I have had a family nonetheless. Some people aren't lucky enough to even have one parent by their side, let alone a family. I am grateful and very thankful to have families around--and with their experiences I've learned a great deal..

I'm also thankful for my health. Visiting that nursing home really made me think, and honestly made me a little scared. One lady in the nursing home has never been married, has no kids, and is honestly just--alone. She has severe OCD and it really made me think about where I want to go in life, and how sometimes things just don't work out as planned. No one ever "expects" to become 65 and have Alzheimer's, or become 70 and not be able to take care of themselves...at least, not that I am aware of. What if we knew where we would be in 50 years if we kept living the life we currently portray out on a daily basis right now..what if we knew what our future held, if we would end up with a fatal disease, or if we would battle cancer...what if? I truly think people would live differently if this knowledge was available.. yet, I really think people take their days for granted, and don't stop to realize how amazing it is to be alive and healthy, without some of the medical struggles others have to constantly conquer on a daily basis.

"Live each day as if it was your last."

I really am going to try my hardest to live by this statement, as sometimes I let my past influence my future...when in reality, the memories of the past live only within myself--and I can choose to build away from them, or allow them to stay active and influence the rest of my life. Little things can make a huge difference, and I know if today was my last day to be alive, I would have done things a lot differently, and same with yesterday--and the day before that.

Anyway, I hope you all had an amazing holiday and had safe travels. Hopefully you didn't eat too much, and you can still button your pants! :)
I'm back in SLC and I'm sitting here on my couch with a cup of hot chai tea and some homework in front of me.. oh and Rascal is snuggled up right next to me on the left side--I think he's happy to be back home. I'm excited to have him back home with me, that's for sure. But anyway, I'm trying to get the motivation to begin at least one of my papers--but I'm honestly just wanting to be a couch bum and put in a good movie to watch. Maybe I'll finish revising my first Learning Analysis paper and then pop in a movie..... ahhh or maybe.... ahh
Maybe I'll stop blogging and be that much closer to my homework---I can't keep procrastinating!

Thoughts at 7:15am on a Saturday

I have been up since about 5:30 this morning. I didn't sleep very well last night, hardly at all actually--but it seems to be my new sleep routine, so maybe it was a decent night of sleep, who knows. For about 4-6 months I haven't really been able to stay asleep for an entire night, I usually wake up about every two hours. Just recently, the night before last and the night before that, was the first time in months that I have been able to stay asleep for more than 6 hours straight. I'm not sure what is up, but it is really annoying and is actually quite draining.
Anyway, I woke up this morning and realized I needed another class for my CFLE requirement (Certified Family Life Educator), Communication and Relationships. I hate trying to organize a class schedule around a work schedule. It drives me crazy. I looked online and it is offered during another class I am required to take, Human Sexuality. Now, this Communication class is offered during the day, but I would miss the second half of the day at work on both Tuesdays and Thursdays.. I guess I will need to talk to my supervisor about that. And if that's the case, I will need to move my Statistics class around, as I was going to take it from 7:30-8:20 every morning so I would only miss about 30 minutes from work every morning. If I move that around, the only other option for me taking it would be on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, then which I'd have to rearrange my International Requirement course I have chosen, which is International Children's Literature. I try to figure out different ways I could make this all work, and I realize there is a class offered online that would fulfill the IR requirement I need, and this class is Global Educational Perspectives. I finally feel like I have somewhat of an idea to make this schedule work.. and I notice...
1. The communication class, at both times offered, are completely full and not accepting new students.
2. I have a hold on my record, I guess I owe $477.69 for tuition from this semester--I need to follow up on that with my counselor who assists with that.
3. The online IR course I want to take has ONE opening remaining.
Ugh. Talk about frustration. Just when you think you have it all figured out.. how annoying. Now I have to wait til at least Monday to hear back from my advisor about the excess tuition balance on my account, and hopefully I will be able to add classes on Monday or Tuesday of next week..hopefully. I have thought about just paying the remaining balance with a credit card or something, but I just can't afford to have it on there. Ugh. I have no idea!
Then, I realize something. I didn't do my internship journal for the week, it was due yesterday at noon! Ahhhh! I hurried and finished it.. it was late of course-- but I hope I get credit. Stupid GRE threw me all out of wack I guess.
I took that yesterday, got a decent score I suppose. Not as good as I was hoping, but not as bad as it could have been. I'm still hoping it's close enough to the minimum standard of the Educational Psychology department that they will accept me into the program if the rest of my application is strong and promising. We'll see.
I guess it's just been one of those days, and it continued into the morning hours. It is Saturday and I have no other plans I guess than to sit around. I will probably work on more homework, do some house chores.. but I honestly would love to just get out and have fun. It seems like it's been a while for that. But, that all comes with moving forward in life and walking away from situations and people that were just bringing you down, and not truly there when you need them most.
On that note, I really miss Rascal. He has been down with my mom since last Sunday, almost a week. They took care of him while I was studying for the GRE and so I wouldn't have to worry about him while I took the test. Unfortunately, I was sick most of the week and didn't study as much as I would have liked, but I guess that's life. Anyway, I won't see him until Wednesday, and I'm dieing. I miss that little fur face like crazy, I'm tempted to just drive down and get him right now because of how much I want to see him. It just seems silly because I am living on a tight budget and gas to and from Price today, and on Wednesday for Thanksgiving, would be pricey. Gahhhh!!
Sorry for the venting, I guess it needed to get out somewhere. lol

A sigh of relief.

Life has been so hectic lately--and to top it all off, I've been super sick and haven't had my normal amount of energy to help keep me going through the days. I guess it's finally all caught up to me. But, I've been taking tons of vitamins, on top of the ones I always take daily, and antibiotics to try to get this stupid sickness under control. Slowly but surely, I will conquer! haha. I have to..if not for me, for my nose.. man it's red as can be from blowing it so much. It hurts tremendously.

The day after tomorrow is the big day for the GRE.. I can't believe it's already here. But I'm super excited to have it done and over with. Hopefully I'll get a good score, I feel like I've studied as much as I could have without driving myself crazy.
And then Monday I have my third test in Research Methods, my third assignment due, and a presentation on a book in my night class. Talk about overwhelming, frustrating, annoying homework...I hate when everything is on the same day! But, I am relieved that I have about 95% of my book presentation done for Monday night. And, the homework assignment shouldn't be TOO extremely hard... So, I'm glad to slowly be getting each assignment knocked off my list. It was sure overwhelming at first though.

Well, I'm going to go get ready for bed and try to catch some ZzZzz's. :)

Memories which will last a lifetime.

Last night I was able to share another unforgettable memory with my little sister, Sarah. We met another one of her favorite bands, Allstar Weekend, at a new venue here in Salt Lake City. About two weeks ago I received a text from her at 10pm one evening, telling me she had discovered this amazing news and asked if I would go with her--of course I couldn't, and wouldn't pass it up. It is so much fun sharing all of these memories with her, and I'm so happy she wants me to be a part of it all. It means so much to me.
Anyway, we had a really good time. She wasn't as nervous to meet "A-Dub" as she was the Jonas Brothers.. and actually the whole set up of this meet n greet was so laid back and really quite an amazing experience in itself. The boys were so down to earth and friendly, I was truly impressed with their presentation and how extremely down-to-earth they were. When I met NSYNC, they weren't nearly as friendly--and with the Jonas Brothers, they were nice--but it didn't seem truly genuine like these guys were. Sarah had ordered them specially made bracelets with their names on them, and they wore them on stage. Cameron, one of her favorites, even asked her to put it on him right there on the spot at the meet n greet table. She got SO nervous, and wasn't able to do so because of the excitement. I got a picture of it, lol it was cute. But when they came out on stage, he noticed her and she pointed to her wrist like "Hey! You're wearing my bracelet!"--and he smiled, shook his wrist and nodded very happily. It was adorable.
We also got to meet one of the opening bands, Action Item, and they weren't too bad, I was impressed actually. We had an amazing time, and made some more amazing memories I know neither one of us will forget.
Here are some pictures from the concert. :)

Haha..and last, but not least..funny faces. Except I think mine is the best.

Changes.

Day by day nothing seems to change, but pretty soon--everything's different. And not only is everything different, but you now have a different outlook on life. A variety of so many experiences that teach you something unexplainable, and you never knew you were in the middle of a huge learning opportunity when it was happening. It's amazing how life works that way, isn't it?
Yesterday I found out one of my younger cousins is now engaged. She is 18 years old, and if I recall right, he's a little older than her. It is crazy for me to comprehend it all, not only because she is one of my younger cousins, but because she is only 18 years old! She has so much ahead of her, so much to learn..to grow from.. I mean I have no room to talk, because when I was 18 I was in a long relationship with my high school sweetheart, and I only know now the complications and difficulties that would have been brought along with that relationship if we did further it like we had planned--and I'm thankful we didn't. I learned an extremely large amount about myself and who I am when we broke up. I think it takes a very strong person to be able to successfully be able to pull apart from someone else and rewrite their own life. It wasn't easy to do, and I can't say if it would have been easier doing that compared to staying together for the long haul, but what I do know is I learned quite a few of the life lessons I carry with me today at that point in my life. Younger people are so oblivious to the realities of what it takes to be in a relationship, and the struggles you face. I think with experience, people then can truly have a better understanding when it comes to what makes a relationship stay strong and long lasting. I'm not saying they won't last, or that they will get a divorce or anything like that, I'm just talking in general. It seems I'm the only cousin I grew up with that isn't married and/or with kids. I don't feel bad or out of place with this fact at all. I am so happy with where I'm at right now, I'm getting an amazing college education which I will be able to successfully make my mark in the world with.

I guess this relates to my major as well. I really believe that with divorce being very convenient and what seems to be an easy fix to some relationships, people don't take marriage nearly as seriously as they used to and instead of learning how to deal and move past issues, most people end it with divorce and in turn create a huge cycle of disappointments and high-expectations. That is only my opinion though, based on the research and studies I have encountered as well as my own personal observations throughout my life. It just almost leaves me speechless when it comes to how society has changed over the past few decades in regards to relationships and family structure, and what has taken place to possibly encourage these differences.

It's just crazy to think about where my life would be if I would have stayed with the first person I thought was the one, the first person to make me feel loved, the first person I became attached to, and the first person I couldn't imagine my life without. It's hard to say where I would have ended up, but I would almost guarantee that a Bachelors Degree, nor Masters degree would have been in the picture. I'm not even sure moving out of Price would have been, either. I guess I'll never know, but all I can say is I'm truly happy I'm where I am at right now. I am a very determined, hard working, strong-willed individual who is independently supporting herself with two part time jobs with 15 hours as a full time student in school. I am extremely proud of this, and with time I can only imagine what other achievements I will be able to smile about. I just can't wait to be in a career I love, creating my life with the pride, confidence and knowledge I gain from my studies.

The rest of the factors in my life will come in time, and until then, I am thankful to be able to focus my attention on my siblings, my own life, and my education to better my future. Oh, and spoil Rascal a ton, too. :)

To start, I feel like I am getting so old! 8:00pm comes around and I'm ready for bed! Sometimes even 7:30, and it's almost like a chore to stay awake until about 9:00pm so I can make sure I sleep the entire night! It's crazy! haha, just thought I'd share!
Annnyways.. today I got my midterm back from my Research Methods class, I really thought I failed, and was going to be happy if I got a C... and I got a B! I was so excited, talk about boost of confidence! :) Now it's only to conquer the GRE...
I am sorry I haven't had much to write about lately! Just been busy with homework, midterms, papers, and everything else that comes along with school.

My little sister comes up this weekend, I'm excited for that. We are going to a concert, Allstar Weekend, they are a little boyband type group that are from the Disney channel. They are playing at The Complex here in SLC, and we have Meet N Greets, haha. Not only did I meet the Jonas Brothers back in September, I get to meet Allstar Weekend in November. My little sister is a goofball, but I love her so dang much. It should be fun. I'm just glad I am able to spend time with her and she wants me to be involved in so much in her life. It means a lot to me.

Well, I think I'm going to go take Rascal for hsi walk and then come back in, get ready for bed, and catch some Z's. I was watching the Jazz game but I don't think I can stay awake for the rest of the fourth quarter.
Go Jazz! :)

The GRE is going to be the death of me..

I honestly am letting this test get to me.. I can't understand the math problems and why they do some of the things they do to get the answers...nor can I even remember how to do it in the first place! I have been getting so frustrated and overwhelmed with it all--and along with everything else, I just really hope I can focus enough to get a good score on the test, otherwise it will be $160 dollars down the drain, for nothing, as well as the money I had to pay to even apply to the University as a graduate student.
I really am beginning to wonder if I'm even fit for graduate school. I am really hating this test. Ugh. I wish I could have taken a class or some sort of tutoring thing to help me remember all of this information.

In other news, I called Bonham today after I got home from class, and it was really nice hearing his voice. He didn't seem like he wanted to get off the phone, so we talked about how he has been having some friend issues at school lately.. he is so cute. I am proud of him, he said that he didn't want to fight with the older kid for pushing him, and therefore instead went to tell the principal. Although, he did tell me that "if it would have only been one of him and not him and some of his older friends, I know I could have taken him down.. me and my friend both could have."
Ah, young drama. It's crazy to think how lives change, and certain situations become more intense as time goes by.

If only we would realize how amazing life is when we were young...

Well, going to study some more for the GRE, I think.
sigh. Blah!

I love my Rascal. :)

I love Rascal.

He honestly is so dang cute and spunky, I just love him to pieces. Constantly I hear about how he is so well-behaved, so smart, or simply so lovable. He seems to grab the heart of anyone he is around, and his personality shines so brightly.. he is so playful and cuddly. He is my pride and joy, as silly as that sounds, and I love him with every little bit of me. I can't imagine my life without him, and I wouldn't want to even think about where I'd be if I didn't have him to stand by me through these past 4 1/2 years. He is amazing. He has stayed right by my side, and sleeps right next to me every night--sometimes even snuggled in to me if he gets cold. I love having such an amazing little dog, I couldn't ask for anything more..he's been amazing. He is so thankful for new toys, treats, and even cuddle time with Mommy...I looooveeee him. I can't even say it enough, he is so stinkin amazing!

It's true too, he's quite the amazing lil dog--full of tons of love. He has a heart that is 2 1/2 sizes too big, which gave him quite the breathing complications this past year. At first, I didn't know what was going on with him or why he'd go into his gasping for air fits, but after a few Veterinarian visits and x-rays, they discovered that his heart was so big it was pushing on his trachea, therefore trapping his airways and making it difficult for him to get oxygen. He had to get antibiotics and some other medications to help the swelling stop, but his heart will never "shrink" back to size again. He's my little doggie full of nothing but love---so that is my logic about how lovable and so stinkin amazing he is. He has been through a lot, not only with me and my trials, but as his own little self. I am so proud of him.

Rascal, I love you soOOoOOOooO much.

And, as I write this, he lays right next to me...I want to go cuddle him for a little bit, so that is what I am going to do. He is growling and barking in his sleep, sometimes whimpers too.. It is absolutely adorable. He just makes me smile. Every day.

I just wanted to share with you all just how amazing my little dog is. I have never been so attached to an animal before, this little guy has been my sunshine through many shady paths. He is my little angel. Aww I love him.

And here is a picture I took last week-- he just looked extra adorable that day, I couldn't resist.


This little guy is responsible for keeping me sane, and being the bestest friend under 15 pounds anyone could ask for.

I'm right where I need to be.

As I've been going through each day for these past few weeks, I've noticed something which has made me feel very happy and content with where I am at in life. For the past few months I've had struggles with where my life trials and situations had taken me, and I was having a very difficult time trying to figure out why I was where I ended up, and what even got me there in the first place.

It is so peaceful and soothing to be able to finally say I have gained an enormous amount of knowledge in regards to who I am--not only as a person, but as a friend, a sister, a daughter, and as a hopeful individual reaching for a dream to help others on more of a deeper level as a counselor. I feel I have truly found my path that really fits who I am and what my goals are within my life. It is so great to be able to genuinely know that I have used all of the struggles, pain, and frustrations in my life as a positive guidance to lead me where I will be able to utilize and draw back from it when helping others. Every trial I had to go through has had a purpose, and even in my daily life right now it has proven to help others in similar situations.

It inspires me more than I had ever even imagined it would.. I feel that helping others is a natural sense to me-- Sometimes I can see an individuals true feelings without having even the slightest clue that anything is wrong. With this, I always have the desire and urge to help people who are in emotionally draining, frustrating, trying times.

Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say here is I feel like I have finally began to see some of the light that has been waiting to shine through all of these major turn points in my life. I have changed my life almost completely, surrounding myself with people who I can relate to and who are true to their words--allowing myself to walk away from bad relationships and friendships which only seemed to be weighing me down. Selfish people used to have their place in my world, and now I have realized that the energy they all were taking from me wasn't nearly worth it just to have someone around, or have someone to call.

I think that takes a huge amount of courage, to face the fear of change and do it anyway.
Ahh, it feels so nice though.

Now, back to studying and homework.
:)

These are the days we'll always remember.

Well, there goes another weekend. I swear they go by WAY to fast lately.

I had Bonham this weekend and we had a good time. I took him to the Utes game yesterday as his birthday present, man was it cold! It rained the entire first half, and by the end of the third quarter we decided to go home--the Utes were definitely going to win and we were definitely too cold to wait for it to happen. So, we came home, and made some grilled cheese sandwiches with noodle soup to help us warm up. It was a good day, he even told me that on the way back home riding Trax. "Today was a good day, Sissy." It definitely made me smile. That little boy has more of my heart than I think he'll ever know, I love him so very much.

We didn't take many since it was so wet and cold, but here are a few of the pictures from the game.

This was BEFORE the rain started coming down like crazy:

Isn't he just so handsome?!

Go Utes!--Sportin' the spirit in a Poncho..

What a goofball..this is my little brother for ya.

And, last but not least..this is us after the rain started to mellow out:

I hated having to take him back down to Provo to meet my dad and give him back, but I guess it's what we gotta do. It's hard living a few hours away from my family(ies), but I know it always could be worse. I can't imagine not being able to actively be involved in my siblings lives--they are my world.

Sometimes it's hard looking back on how my life has turned out completely different than I had expected--but I have realized that if it didn't work out this way, I wouldn't have been able to have the amazing opportunities I have had. I wouldn't have been able to dedicate so much of my time and love to both of my siblings, Sarah and Bonham, if life had turned out the way I was planning. I am so very happy and proud to be able to say I am truly trying to be the best sister I can to both of them. I just hope it holds true for them, and I am able to continue to do so. Honestly, I probably have a few of the most amazing siblings anyone could ever ask for--and with them I have developed and helped create long-lasting, incredible emotional bonds that I believe will never, ever be broken. :)

One checkmark at a time, the list will SLOWLY melt into nothing.....hopefully!

Today was a fairly good day actually. Although I am super overwhelmed with everything right now, it feels nice to know I have completed even just a few of what is on my HUGE to-do list. :) I feel accomplished...even though I have a ton more to do.. One step at a time Nicole! I tend to overwhelm myself, because I think too far ahead into the future and stress about stuff that doesn't necessarily need to be thought about right now--but, that's who I am I suppose.

Graduate school application is that much closer to being done---which means that the GRE exam is that much closer to being taken, YIKES! I must get my brain in the mood to start absorbing the information in both of the books I have bought, as well as Annie's. C'mon brain, you can doooOoo it. hah. We'll see about that.

I have been having some hard times lately with some flashbacks and realities of the experiences I've been faced with, both in the distant and close past. I have been trying to deal with them as they come, but some are harder than others. I'm not sure how to take all of this, but all I know is it's leading me to be more confused and frustrated as they keep coming up. I dunno, I know I'm strong enough to conquer all of this--but one of my fears is if I keep proving to myself that I can do such amazing things, and get through some unimaginable struggles on my own--and relationships have proven to be nothing but brutal, horrible pain for me-- what if I end up alone, subconciously by choice? Just something I've been thinking about..

Anyway, Rascal is laying next to me passed out, and I'm starting to become jealous of how comfy he looks. I'm getting tired, and it's picture day tomorrow at work! (Us teachers get a HUGE packet of our pictures for free, I guess--therefore I'll probably be using them for my Graduation in May...well okay, maybe not--but I could! haha)

Til next time! :)

I need a personal assistant/maid

I swear, my mind is twisted and being pulled in about 15 different directions at this point in time right now. I am so overwhelmed with homework, tests, papers, and graduate school applications I could scream. I am honestly really nervous about it all, but hopefully I can get it all pulled together.

I registered for the GRE today--that's $160 bucks spent. Taking the test November 19th--and DANG the review books are pretty scary-- I am hoping to start studying AT LEAST one hour a day if not more, then hopefully I can get to where I feel more comfortable and confident in taking it. Wish me luck!!!

With everything going on right now, I feel like all of the other stuff in my life has been put on hold--housework, dishes, laundry....Rascal. He definitely needs a bath, but I just have no time to give him one. I feel so torn into pieces and being pulled every which way, man I'm sure it'd be easier if I had someone else to help me with all of it.
That's why I've decided I'm accepting all offers of help until the chaos simmers... ;)

Just kidding--if only it were that easy!
Well, it's already 10pm, I swear there is never enough time in the day!
6:15 comes early.
Sweet dreams!

Graduate School!

What a better way to begin my new blog, the new insight and chapter of my life..I have officially began my application into the Graduate Program of Professional Counseling at the University of Utah.

After quite a bit of pondering and internal debating on whether or not it was the right thing to do at this point in my life, I had decided to follow my instincts and submit my application for Fall of 2011. This will be directly following my graduation for my Bachelors Degree of Human Development and Family Studies in May of 2011.

Wish me luck!
I am a little intimidated because of the acceptance rate this program has (they accept 6-10 people out of an average of 75 accepted), and the financial stresses that might come along with continuing my education on a higher level, but I honestly believe it will be worth it in the long run.

It is crazy to think that I have actually began my application into Graduate school-- honestly if you would have asked me two years ago if I saw myself reaching out for such an accomplishment, I would have said no. It is amazing where life can take you, even when you have another idea of where you were going. I never imagined myself to be at such a level of academic pride and confidence to be able to apply for Graduate school, and I am very glad I have reached this point. I just hope I can get a decent score on the GRE test I will be taking Mid-November, and I can pull off a decent Personal Statement for my application.

Thanks to Annie, I think we have a good chance with the GRE test, we'll be studying together and cramming for this whole thing--and celebrating once it is all over! If it wasn't for her, I think I would have been too overwhelmed to continue this whole process for Graduate School and probably gave up because of the fear of doing it all alone. I am so thankful she is going down this trail with me--she has been a huge support.

Anyway, graduate school application is on the way to being completed--signing up for the GRE tomorrow, and still have to complete and stay fully focused and dedicated to the courses I am currently taking to get a good GPA and stay on track for graduation. What a crazy, crazy time this is.

I am thankful I have the ability to throw myself into all of this chaos, for it isn't an ugly chaos.. It is a very exciting, new, challenging situation and I am so excited to be able to get it all finished and feel that I gave it my best shot.