Amazed

Three years ago this past Thursday night I single-handedly totaled my new, short lived Kia Sportage... I was in an emotional rush to try to get to Price through Indian Canyon and "save" what I thought was my life--oddly, if I would have lost control not even ten more feet down the road, it would have undoubtedly taken my life. When I lost control, I let go of the wheel and grabbed Rascal to hold onto him, preparing for whatever it was that was going to happen. Instead of rolling down the 1300 foot drop, my vehicle did it's 360 degree turn, landed on the other side of the road, and started to roll, but landed in a snowbank...right side up. Only the passenger side was affected.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't stop to reflect just how thankful and happy I am still here today-- I walked away with a pretty bad concussion, back problems, and an experience that truly changed my life..It could have been so much worse. Never, ever, ever take anything for granted.. I thought I was invisible and nothing like that would happen to me--but reality hit hard--I was able to walk away from it.

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life." -Zig Ziglar

Graduation Announcements!

I finally ordered my graduation announcements! It is so crazy to think it's really here--almost seems surreal! I am so excited, and I hope they turn out as well as I think they will!

Life has nothing but a chaotic mess lately, in so many ways than one.. but I am SO grateful to be able to say I'm graduating in May! :D

A bunch of random thoughts.

I wonder...

How life sometimes seems to circle around me as I stand still?

How I don't regret some of the most painful times in my life?

Why do I look at people, who are my age, and sometimes feel like I'm not as "old" as them..while others I look at and feel I'm not as "young"?

How life can change in what seems like an instant, although, it was in fact more of a gradual thing?

Will I ever get what "I want"? Do I even know what that is? And if I do, am I afraid of actually getting it? Sometimes the repetition of something so expected is so comfortable, that I tend to become fearful of stepping out of that comfort zone.. this can't be a good thing. It's almost like I'm afraid to grow? Or is this just me being more cautious because of previous experiences I've had?

Why does chocolate taste so dang good? I mean really--what is it about it that I crave? Geez.

Why is it easier to gain weight than it is to loose it? That's not very fair..

Am I really graduating this semester? It seems surreal to me--I don't want to be a grown up. Yet, I think maybe I already am? Or am I? Is this where my life truly begins..or is it just a continuation of when it already began? When does a life begin?

Why is it easier to read a book when you're not expected to for a class?

Why does sunshine make such a difference? I love sunshine, it makes me happy.. the warmth, it's just--a great feeling. But why would temperature and amount of sunlight make a difference with internal emotions? Crazy!

Will I ever stop biting my nails!? Ugh! It's frustrating..

Where will I be in five years? Heck, what about two years? It's crazy to reflect back on where I've been, where I've wanted to be, and where I thought I'd be.. oh how things can change.

These are just a few of the random questions I have right now. Maybe I'll expand on some of these ideas later, as some really reflect some internal confusion I'm having right now. I just wanted to blurt some of it all out before I forget it all. :D

I want to travel the world.

Why does it cost so much to travel? I honestly find nothing else more soothing, comforting..and self-rewarding than traveling. It is one of my passions, and I truly wish I could travel more often than I do. I want to see the world. I dream of visiting different countries, different cultures, different lifestyles-- and intertwining myself within them, taking in all of the memories, lessons, and experiences they would bring me. I want to live, I want to feel like I'm accomplishing my life dreams--living with no regrets. I just wish it wasn't so dang expensive. I don't know how to accomplish this, but I know I will--someday.

I have such a list of places I'd love to visit---I want nothing more than to live my life, and experience the knowledge of other people around the world. There is SO much more out there, I don't want to be stuck here...I have my whole life to be stuck in one place. The world is SO big, yet, SO small all at the same time. It's crazy to think that just with a few simple steps, I could be on my way across the world--of course, I would need money-- but just knowing that traveling is so much easier now than it was years ago makes me hopeful.

Traveling brings me a sense of happiness, a sense of peace--I love learning, exploring, and broadening my understanding of not only myself, but others too. I almost feel like I have one of those wild souls, always wanting to develop more through adventures and discovery.

Somehow, I'll find a way to travel more often. If only I could find out the secret of how everyone else who travels and stays on top of their finances...

Awake.

I think I've snapped out of the slump I was in--it took only a few realizations for me to finally understand why I was there, and how I didn't want to be there anymore. It feels nice, and I think things can only be gettin better from here on out. :) I'm so thankful I'm such a strong person!
Anyways, starting tomorrow, a co-worker and I are going running Monday-Thursday mornings before work! YAY! I can't wait.
SooOOoo I need to go to bed. :D
I'll update later!
Woot!

thoughts of the day

"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." -Mark Twain

Sometimes our outlook on life changes when we get a new view, a new insight of what the world really is like. Sometimes, when we're so busy thinking something---another something gets completely disregarded and minimized because our imagination has taken such control...almost like a twisted reality.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just, searching for whatever it is I think I want. Oooh, perfect place for another quote..
“You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need."- The Rolling Stones
How do we know the difference? It's amazing how life throws silly curve balls at you, isn't it? Not sure which way to run or where exactly to throw the ball next.. gotta just keep on keepin' on, and eventually we'll get to where we're supposed to be--or at least get to where we're going.

I thank you all for being here for me in some of the most difficult times I've had to overcome in my entire life.. some of these situations I truly thought I would never have to plow through-unaware and completely unprepared... but I made it, or well, in some aspects.. I'm still making it. It's great to know who your true friends are, who will be there for you in times when you truly need someone there the most. I'm really thankful that I have a handful who truly will be there when I am in need. :)

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it."-Swedish Proverb

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”

Ah.. I need to vent.

I have wanted to post a blog for so long now, but life hasn't given me the opportunity to really sit down and be able to do so. When I blog, I like to have it all come from my heart and soul--having no other distractions to limit my words. And, although I'm sitting in the middle of class right now, I feel like right now is as good time as ever to update my blog.
Life can slow down any minute down..I'm just waiting for it to calm down. I swear..I have never felt so busy in my entire life. I have been going crazy lately---I feel I have no time for anything anymore. It's been really eating at me..I'm loosing my energy, my spunk, my happiness... I have no time to be anything but stressed and worried about when my next test is, when my next paper is due, and stay on top of trying to absorb all of the information given in class.. Oh, and make sure I get to work at both jobs on time.. (Last week I was an hour and a half late to job number two.) When I'm not playing catch up in my schoolwork and attending my shifts at work, I am trying to clean up and keep my apartment at a livable environment, laundry, and try to get some "me" time.. and that's all very rare. I honestly have no time to push that reset button to help me feel more energized and ready to start it all over every week. It is really draining me out. I'm trying to keep movin along with a smile--but dang it gets so tiring.
Aaanndd.. If I'm not doing that, I'm worrying about some crazy ex I have who will randomly decide to come to my house at 2am knocking on my door....while I freak out and call the cops because I don't know who it is---and still won't leave once I figure it out--until the cops get there and order him to do so. (yep, this happened..Saturday night.) Now, this story is one all of it's own, but it is definitely part of my stresses..as I haven't talked to him for over six months (because I blocked ALL ways of contact--phone numbers, emails..). I'm afraid he'll keep trying to contact me because of the way he had to leave that night--and I have no desire to talk to him.
Gah, talk about stressful. All around my life seems to be turning upside down, or maybe it's just that I have no time to feel that it's right side up. It's driving me absolutely cccrrraaazzzyyy! I just wish I had someone to help me keep my sanity, to hang out and remind me that life isn't as chaotic as it seems and to help me escape awhile.
Speaking of escaping, I have been thinking about something I can do to help me gain sanity on my own--as, I unfortunately have decided that sometimes others aren't as reliable as I'd like them to be. One of my thoughts is attempting to learn guitar again. I was learning on my fathers guitar years ago, and although I didn't play for over 3 or so months, I felt like I was catching on so quickly and I was loving having the ability to strum a few strings and escape into the mood of some of my favorite songs. I wanted my father to help me learn, but he was always too busy to help teach me some of the basics..and it got more difficult with my own schedule to help keep up with it as well. But, I have been thinking long and hard--and I might want to get a starter pack of my own. Have my own guitar, and pick it up when I have a minute or two, or when I have a hard day...stressful situations...and that might help? I don't know--still pondering the idea, because although it sounds amazing, I'm limited on time as it is and I don't want to add to that either. Blahhh!
Ahh, I can't wait for this semester to be over---and although I still have no idea what I'll be doing afterwards in regards to having both jobs still, or continuing onto my Masters (if I'm accepted)---I'm super thrilled I have actually came to this point in my educational career--I never thought I was really "programed" to achieve so much academically.
Well, should probably go back to listening in class.
I'll post when I can.