Awake.

I think I've snapped out of the slump I was in--it took only a few realizations for me to finally understand why I was there, and how I didn't want to be there anymore. It feels nice, and I think things can only be gettin better from here on out. :) I'm so thankful I'm such a strong person!
Anyways, starting tomorrow, a co-worker and I are going running Monday-Thursday mornings before work! YAY! I can't wait.
SooOOoo I need to go to bed. :D
I'll update later!
Woot!

thoughts of the day

"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." -Mark Twain

Sometimes our outlook on life changes when we get a new view, a new insight of what the world really is like. Sometimes, when we're so busy thinking something---another something gets completely disregarded and minimized because our imagination has taken such control...almost like a twisted reality.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just, searching for whatever it is I think I want. Oooh, perfect place for another quote..
“You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need."- The Rolling Stones
How do we know the difference? It's amazing how life throws silly curve balls at you, isn't it? Not sure which way to run or where exactly to throw the ball next.. gotta just keep on keepin' on, and eventually we'll get to where we're supposed to be--or at least get to where we're going.

I thank you all for being here for me in some of the most difficult times I've had to overcome in my entire life.. some of these situations I truly thought I would never have to plow through-unaware and completely unprepared... but I made it, or well, in some aspects.. I'm still making it. It's great to know who your true friends are, who will be there for you in times when you truly need someone there the most. I'm really thankful that I have a handful who truly will be there when I am in need. :)

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it."-Swedish Proverb

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”

Ah.. I need to vent.

I have wanted to post a blog for so long now, but life hasn't given me the opportunity to really sit down and be able to do so. When I blog, I like to have it all come from my heart and soul--having no other distractions to limit my words. And, although I'm sitting in the middle of class right now, I feel like right now is as good time as ever to update my blog.
Life can slow down any minute down..I'm just waiting for it to calm down. I swear..I have never felt so busy in my entire life. I have been going crazy lately---I feel I have no time for anything anymore. It's been really eating at me..I'm loosing my energy, my spunk, my happiness... I have no time to be anything but stressed and worried about when my next test is, when my next paper is due, and stay on top of trying to absorb all of the information given in class.. Oh, and make sure I get to work at both jobs on time.. (Last week I was an hour and a half late to job number two.) When I'm not playing catch up in my schoolwork and attending my shifts at work, I am trying to clean up and keep my apartment at a livable environment, laundry, and try to get some "me" time.. and that's all very rare. I honestly have no time to push that reset button to help me feel more energized and ready to start it all over every week. It is really draining me out. I'm trying to keep movin along with a smile--but dang it gets so tiring.
Aaanndd.. If I'm not doing that, I'm worrying about some crazy ex I have who will randomly decide to come to my house at 2am knocking on my door....while I freak out and call the cops because I don't know who it is---and still won't leave once I figure it out--until the cops get there and order him to do so. (yep, this happened..Saturday night.) Now, this story is one all of it's own, but it is definitely part of my stresses..as I haven't talked to him for over six months (because I blocked ALL ways of contact--phone numbers, emails..). I'm afraid he'll keep trying to contact me because of the way he had to leave that night--and I have no desire to talk to him.
Gah, talk about stressful. All around my life seems to be turning upside down, or maybe it's just that I have no time to feel that it's right side up. It's driving me absolutely cccrrraaazzzyyy! I just wish I had someone to help me keep my sanity, to hang out and remind me that life isn't as chaotic as it seems and to help me escape awhile.
Speaking of escaping, I have been thinking about something I can do to help me gain sanity on my own--as, I unfortunately have decided that sometimes others aren't as reliable as I'd like them to be. One of my thoughts is attempting to learn guitar again. I was learning on my fathers guitar years ago, and although I didn't play for over 3 or so months, I felt like I was catching on so quickly and I was loving having the ability to strum a few strings and escape into the mood of some of my favorite songs. I wanted my father to help me learn, but he was always too busy to help teach me some of the basics..and it got more difficult with my own schedule to help keep up with it as well. But, I have been thinking long and hard--and I might want to get a starter pack of my own. Have my own guitar, and pick it up when I have a minute or two, or when I have a hard day...stressful situations...and that might help? I don't know--still pondering the idea, because although it sounds amazing, I'm limited on time as it is and I don't want to add to that either. Blahhh!
Ahh, I can't wait for this semester to be over---and although I still have no idea what I'll be doing afterwards in regards to having both jobs still, or continuing onto my Masters (if I'm accepted)---I'm super thrilled I have actually came to this point in my educational career--I never thought I was really "programed" to achieve so much academically.
Well, should probably go back to listening in class.
I'll post when I can.

My last day of being 24!

It's crazy to think that tomorrow I'll be 25-- it always seemed so, "old" to me. 25?! It was almost ancient--although I liked to fantasize about being such an age, it never seemed so realistic or even really imaginable. It's so amazing looking back at where you've been, and thinking to yourself that things just aren't what they are assumed to be sometimes.
When I was turning 18 years old, if you were to ask me where I thought I'd be when I was turning 25, it wouldn't have many similarities regarding the reality of where I'm at today. Back then, I had pondered the idea of what "real life" pertained to, and listening to all of the older adults in my life--I thought I had it all figured out, or, atleast to a certain extent. I had assumed life would have been a path created before me as I walked across, sometimes stumbling to find more bricks, or having to jump over hollow places altogether. I thought I had understood, and been prepared, for the struggles and trials that were to be placed before me---but looking back, I might have been excited to welcome the difficulties but not nearly as prepared to take them on. Yet, how can one truly prepare for life? The only preparation in life is to just experience it. Break a heart, have yours broken...fall in debt, carry the weight of monthly bills on your shoulder...find a true friend, and be a true friend...although one might assume they know the realities of it all, only life helps you understand what it truly takes to live.
It's amazing to think about how in just 7 years, life has been twisted and rearranged in so many ways. I mean, I did see creating myself through education in my future..and I did see my independence grow, but it wasn't visioned as it is being played out today. Don't get me wrong, I am COMPLETELY grateful and thankful for everything that has led me up to this point in life--as, if I didn't go through it all, I wouldn't be me.
I'm so happy I am able to say I am (or well, will be) 25 years old, with no children, attending college for my second degree, applied to graduate school, and am working my butt off with two jobs in order for me to do so. It is a very rewarding feeling, especially when people seemed to always give you the stereotype of getting pregnant at a young age and being stuck in that reality, never being able to grow or develop into something completely different. I can't even explain to you how happy I am to not be one of those "statistics"that seemed to haunt me as if I had no other choice before.. I don't know. I'm part of the minority in a sense, in my opinion anyway when I look around in my own personal life--and I'm glad to say that this minority is probably one of the most beneficial ones. :)
Wow, I'm sure babbling on, haha--if you're still here, I'm impressed. I guess, just reflecting on everything (as I do every birthday), I am really proud to say I am who I am, and I've been where I've been. And I thank you all for having a part in it all, even if it just seems like a small part.
I will never be 24 again for the rest of my life. Craaaaazy! I'm getting old. :)
Here's to being proud, hopeful, excited, and young--- ;)
'til next time!

I HAVE HAIR AGAIN! :D

Today is probably one of the most wonderful days in my life---with the help of a few others I decided to get hair extensions! I LOVE it. I feel my confidence coming back and I just feel like a girl again. Ahhh, I'm so thrilled. SO excited. I have needed a boost for SO long, and I just decided
to make the jump and do it--YAY! :D I just wanted to post my excitement--Ihave to get ready for bed and take Rascal for a walk. :)

But, here are some pictures:

And so it begins..

Well, tomorrow is the official first day of my last semester towards my Bachelors degree. Actually--Tuesday is when my semester will begin, since I don't have classes on Mondays--but man it's craaaazy to think about! I am not really wanting it to start--last semester killed me, I hope I can pull this all off again. Ugh. I just wish I could quit one of my jobs. In time--right?
Mondays should be fairly easy for me..as I only have to work at Job 1 from 7:45am-3:00pm. Tuesdays and Thursdays will be more chaotic, as I work at Job 1 until 12, have class from 12:25 until 1:45pm, and then class from 4:35-6:35pm. Between those two classes, I'll probably do my assignments for my online class, and work on homework. Wednesdays I'll be working at Job 1 from 7:30am until about 4:30pm, and I have class that night from 7-10pm. Fridays I work at Job 2 from 6:00am-2:30pm, Saturdays are my days off...and Sundays I work at Job 2 from 8:00-3:30pm...and then the cycle repeats all over again on Monday. Ohmygoodness... It's overwhelming just even saying it. I don't know how I do it.. so don't ask. lol. All I know is it's making me become a workaholic and I have a hard time trying to have a life outside of the chaos..which is in turn, secluding me even more from having a social life. Blaaahhh.
Sorry, that was my rant about school. Oh, I also find out if I got into the Graduate program this month! Part of me is hoping I get in, of course, and part of me is actually going to be okay if I didn't make it in--as I'm really stressing about how I'll be able to financially afford it all--and I really can't be working SO much when I'm working on a graduate degree----I'm already resentful as it is with not being able to focus on my studies as an undergrad right now. But, by the end of this month I should know! :D Yay!
Hmm.. what else has been going on...independence has dissolved into my soul even more this past week.. heck, even the past few days. I have realized SO much lately, from so many different people in my life--I'm glad I can depend and trust myself, for if I didn't have that, I'd be completely helpless. Oh, and Rascal of course. :)
OH how could I forget!? I can now pull up half of my hair and put it in a barrette! :D Granted, I have a stupid little stub when I do that---but, it's still possible! lol. Such simple things bring me happiness--yay! My hair is slowly growing baaaackkk!
Well, I took some night time sinus medicine (yep..sick again, this time I can't even use the netti pot to help clear my sinuses. I think it's because of all this crappy air we have in SLC--yay for having the ickiest air in the nation!..)
Tootles!

1/1/11

Happy New Year! It's officially 2011..craaazy! I'm happy to leave some of the bad memories behind from 2010...but, I can't wait to bring some of my hopes and dreams alive in 2011. Eleven is my favorite number, so it has to be my year---right?

Some of the things I want to accomplish/work towards this year are:
1) Don't sweat the small stuff-- Sometimes I over worry and stress way too much about small things that I don't really have control over.

2) Re-gain my "socialness"-- I have had a few hard spots in my life that have left me in some sort of rut... I really want to work on not being so anxious and "on guard" with my emotions and independence---I don't like being vulnerable anymore, and it's almost like if I avoid being social, then I eliminate the opportunity to become vulnerable--but, I don't think that is the best thing.

3) Bring back my self-confidence-- As always, I'd love to loose weight and eat healthier this year.. but I'm not just talking about that. With some of the things I've been through, I've unfortunately lost some of my confidence--and I'd love to start trying to gain that back. Along with the confidence topic, I really really wish I didn't cut my hair--as you all know...so I want to start growing that out as well.
3.5) Along with the confidence, I'll set a side note of eating out less often, exercising more even if it's on my wii (and with Annie!), and choosing healthier meals when at home.

4) Stay true to myself-- This pretty much explains itself..

5) Be happy. Smile often. Giggle lots. :)

I'm sure I have many more, but that is what I can think of right now. Today I ran into one of the people who truly killed so much of my confidence, trust, and respect for relationships---saw him at Walmart in passing, he was with his "ex". I think he saw me, but pretended he didn't--or maybe he didn't at all. Either way, it was a bit of a stab to the chest when I saw them. Out of all the places to be, why the Walmart I was at, at that moment? Well, it is what it is--it caught me off guard and set my my mood a little lower than I started my day with... Although it was frustrating and annoying to see them together, on the other side of the spectrum it gives me the opportunity to reflect on how I have grown and just how better off I am without him. Honestly, that relationship really influenced the way I am today--a stronger, wiser, more observant individual. He didn't deserve me at ALL.. but I walked away with more experiences to help me throughout my life. And even though this is all true, it still sucked--lol. Oh well!

Happy New Year! :D